If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
What the hell happened here.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today