If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well