Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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Have a lovely day 😊
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.