a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I can’t wait!
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The Compass
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be