Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied