Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.