Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
i hope my email finds you on fire
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼