Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
👾👾👾
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳