@JasonNotEvil

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

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@jonnysun

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

@iwearaonesie

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

@CulturedRuffian

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@egg_dog

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@krystaunclear

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.