dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.