Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”