You Might Also Like
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.