“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet