@Giddythefuckup

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

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@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@Leslie_Annie

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@TrophyCatas

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@Glennot73

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@TurboJellyBean

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?