Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
![]()
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Happy thanksgiving
![]()
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Good advice.
![]()
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful