13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.