A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine