I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”