I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*