A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
You Might Also Like
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there