Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Perfect.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.