I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.