Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
work smarter, not harder
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.