[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
some cats are just doing for fun!
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
For the orator and chef in all of us
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.