Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m listening
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Chicken bread
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.