It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
getting groceries
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃