Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Meowchelangelo
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
How I’d get arrested…
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book