I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: