love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog