A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
What about second breakfast?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.