@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

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@IvoryGazelle

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

@WilliamAder

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

@Jake_Vig

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

@AnkCoupleTO

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@E_lok44

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

@roxiqt

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@trouteyes

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw