You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
At least try to make it slightly believable
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Every work call, he judges.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Extremely relatable.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”