I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much