As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
True?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.