date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
is nasa ok
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I am patiently waiting for your email
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.