Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”