[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee