I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape