“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You Might Also Like
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor