Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird