I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?