Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
when someone compliments me
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff