Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me sliding into hell like
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
The Compass
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”