I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.