That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.