Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You Might Also Like
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.