In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
i can’t wait that long
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Guilty! 🤪
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.