absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room