I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
You Might Also Like
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Jail
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.