Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman