Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
No one :
Me when I swimming :
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza