I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Denise please return my vape pen
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.