Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
This has made my week.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris