Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.